Let's get busy and work on this mess!

 Just a short list of some things that i have been thinking about that I need to change.

Procrastination-  I am terrible at putting things off and off and then off some more.  Things like paper-work... or my blog, or anything else that i don't feel like working on for whatever reason i have.

Negativity-  My negative attitude tends to cause me more problems than almost anything.  It's not entirely something i can control i don't think.  But i could learn some more coping skills for dealing with things that tend to make me negative.

Medication-  Why in the world is it so hard for me to remember to take my medication.  Or, why when I do remember, do i still put off taking them!  What the heck do i do that for?  I know it is important and yet i still think of reasons to put off taking them... or forgetting completely.

Communication-  Sometimes i forget to actually communicate how i am feeling.  Typically i am not aware when i do this.  But i know that i am quite capable of communicating.  I guess i just get stubborn sometimes.

What i have noticed about myself is that i do great at most things when i first start.  But then something happens.  Maybe i get busy and forget to do something.  Or my schedule changes and everything gets out of whack.  All it takes is that one incident.  Next thing i know my mind is like, why bother i already screwed up anyway.  What a goofy way to look at things, right?  Yet i do it anyhow.  It is so hard to overcome some of the simplest things.

When the D.D. falls away

It was one of those days where everyone was tired and needed a break.  I said some things that i should not have.  This made James very unhappy with me.  Unfortunately it escalated into an argument that went on for quite a while and left everyone involved feeling drained and unhappy.

At the time I didn't feel like I had done anything that was so wrong i deserved to be yelled at like i was.  I still don't think I should have been yelled at, but i realize that what i did was wrong and that it only managed to make everything in the situation worse which in turn brought the yelling.  Not to mention I did a fair amount of yelling myself.  Truth be told, James very rarely loses his temper to the point of actually yelling at me.  I knew i screwed up.

Ideally I wouldn't have lost my temper and ever started with the negativity, complaining and rude remarks.  In a perfect world i wouldn't make mistakes at all.  Of course i don't live in a perfect world and tend to make a lot of mistakes that i wish i wouldn't make.  In my ideal world he would have walked over to me, grabbed my chin to meet eyes and said in his best command tone "Your getting your butt whipped tonight and if you don't stop this behavior right now its going to be a lot worse".  It has been so long since he has actually said something like that... it would be good he was holding me by the chin... it may have very well hit the floor.

I awoke in the middle of the night.  My conscience was getting to me and i was trying to think of some way to resolve the problem as well as lessen the chance that it will happen again in the future.  Ever!

My first Spanking as an Adult

James and I had been together for a year or two.  We had an argument one night and I refused to sleep in the bed next to him.  Instead, I slept on the floor.  The next day after getting some rest and thinking things over I started feeling guilty about how things had went.

I had been interested in spanking for several years.  I was spanked as child growing up so I was familiar with it.  I had read some novels and looked up a little on the internet.  I ran across The Spencer Spanking Plan and it stayed in the back of mind for a long time.  I thought it was a great idea.

I decided to write a note to James and tell him I was sorry for everything that had happened.  I mentioned the Spencer Spanking Plan and told him I thought it might help our situation.  He read the note and thought it sounded like a good plan as well.

That night I got my first OTK spanking as an adult.  It was fast and hard and I didn't like it one bit.  It didn't last long but had made an impression.  Since then we have grown a lot and spanking has come a very long way.  They don't stop so quickly now, and they have a build-up as opposed to the quick and hard smacks.

I felt so close to him.  I was constantly turned on and wanted him like he was gonna go out of style. :p  He literally drove me sexually nuts.  The lifestyle was simply delicious.

Things have slowed down a lot.  With a toddler in the house, a very small house with no inside doors to block noise... we have limited opportunity.  Not to mention just plain old being exhausted from chasing a hyper toddler around.  However, if we both tried a little harder, I know we could do more.

Being held accountable for the wrongs that I have done is not a pleasant thing while it is happening.  But it is so refreshing to be able to face those wrongs and put them in the past and be able to move forward.

~Sometimes what we need, is not necessarily what we want~

I'm back!!

Okay, its been a while since I've blogged anything.  I know, bad Jenna.  Lol.  Don't worry, Ron reminded me to get it into gear or swats i will be earning.  Not so Lol.  I'm going to keep this one short and sweet since I spent quite a bit of time trying to tweak my blog and make it sparkly.  Been a long day and I'm tired.  It has been a good day though.  Got some housework done.  Got the gate fixed so my son cannot Houdini out of it... for now... lol.  Not to mention the guys cut the grass.  Woohoo!  :D

Good Advice...

Taking good advice is a good idea.  Thank you to Ron for the suggestion on how to fix the problem i had created. I decided to give it a try.

While he was in the other room, i got out the stool and put the blanket on it and sat down.  When my Dom came out he knew what that meant.  Gave him a very nice long BJ.  Made sure to look up at him a lot.  Kept my hands held behind my back for most of it, eventually grabbed onto his legs for a better grip so to speak.  Swallowed like a good girl.  Then he had me get on all fours on the bed and pounded me to the heights of pleasure!  What a night.  When we had finished i gave him a hug and kiss and told him i was sorry about the other night.  Needless to say we were both feeling wonderful.

Think twice... before speaking!

Had a bad experience the other day.  It was of my own doing  really.  I made a bad choice and it provoked a bad ending...

It was late and my Dom and I are in the middle of some good sex.  The little one wakes up.  No big deal.  It happens sometimes.  Considering I can get kind of loud when I am thoroughly enjoying myself, I am surprised it doesn't happen more often.  I get the little guy off to sleep again.  My Dom and I start over.  This time he wanted me to go down on him and i knew that.  But I didn't feel like it so i kept avoiding it.  I don't know why... it's not like I don't enjoy it.  It does get to my jaw sometimes.  Some positions make it a lot worse.  Anyway I finally decided I would do it.  But instead of just doing it I went and said something spiteful.  I think I said "Well we might as well beat up my mouth now".  He replied with "If that's how you feel about it, I'd rather just pass the *(@# out".  I instantly regretted what I had said.  No way to take it back now.  We went to bed unsettled that night.  Which I absolutely hate to do.  I couldn't sleep for a good long while of course, so i had plenty of time to think about it.

Went to sleep last night still not talking about the incident.  I miss the days when I could have begged for a spanking to ease my conscience.  I want to make it better.  But I'm not quite sure what to do about it.  I guess I will start with an apology for making myself look and sound like an ass.  Then I will offer my mouth for his pleasure of course.  I am ashamed to post this.  I feel like I failed.  But I will do it to shame myself.

On the brighter side...

Okay, so I've remembered to take my pills for a few days in a row now.  Feeling pretty good today.  Decided to rearrange my sons room today.  Nice and tidy now.  I think he likes it. :D  Been doing better at my diet.  Trying to eat better.  It is hard... cooking for two twenty+ young males.  Lol.

I miss being able to include Domestic Discipline on a daily basis.  I remember a time when i didn't think i would survive without it.  Well, survive I do.  But i miss it a lot.  I hope in time we will be able to live like that again.  Nothing so powerful or sexy as my man saying that is enough and having my rear-end blistered.

I am glad he allows me to participate with spankher4real and get a little discipline in my life.  It helps some and I enjoy being a part of something that isn't home.

Now, to focus on my will-power and get it back up to where it was when i was pregnant.  I lost like fifty pounds or so when i was pregnant.  Got my A1C all the way down to 4.7 which is beyond terrific.  I tried so hard... to avoid a c-section since diabetic mothers tend to have large babies especially around the shoulder area.  So what happens... they induce my labor and i end up getting an emergency c-section anyway.  Baby was 7lbs 13oz.  He kept hanging up on something inside of me.  I assume my innards were not what they should be due to childhood sexual trauma.  Thanks to that bastard.

Anyhow, i am grateful to be feeling good.  The sky is blue, the curtains are open and i am listening to some of my favorite music.  It is a good day.  The guys are cleaning up around the outside of the house.  THANK YOU for that.  When we moved into this house it came with a lot of mess outside.  Needless to say, we haven't gotten rid of most of it yet.  Hopefully this summer we can accomplish it.  Good Lord Willing!

The view from the front of our home. <3

One of those days...

Today is just one of those days.  The kind that make you want to spit fire and roar with rage at the world.  I am tired.  Lack of decent sleep for the last three years is adding up.  My son is special needs.  Super hyper-active and constantly on the go.  I suffer from severe depression.  I have been having a horrible time remembering to take my medications regularly.  Today I want to cry.  Like, all day long.  I feel like i am stuck in a very dark and deep hole.  I feel like i can barely see the light at the top of the hole and that i may never find my way out.

I have no energy.  Does not help that my Thyroid doesn't produce the hormones i need.  I have a medicine for that... but it obviously isn't helping if i forget to take the blasted thing.  Not to mention i am deficient in Vitamin D.  I am supposed to be taking an OTC Vitamin D but we have never purchased it.  Not like we can really afford it anyway.

I am supposed to be on a diet.  To get down to a healthier weight.  I do suffer from Diabetes, Hypertension and my Thyroid barely functions.  Today i feel like taking care of myself is impossible.  How can i possibly take care of myself when i spend my time taking care of everybody else.  I don't even have time to see my doctor.  Unfortunately i am so low today i don't even really care about anything.  I hate when i feel like that.